In Search of Healing by Silver Trails

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In Search of Healing
January, 2018

This is an amateur effort and does not intend to infringe on the rights of J.R.R. Tolkien. No profit is made and no harm is intended. The story is set on TA 2511, after Celebrķan left Imladris and passed over the Sea.

This story is set right after my story “Alone under the Stars”, but it can stand alone too. The story is set a few months after Celebrķan left Imladris.

Elladan opened his eyes, and looked at Elrohir, asleep at his side. His twin looked exhausted, and lines of pain darkened his features. Guilt washed over Elladan, only now realizing the burden Elrohir had taken over himself, hiding his own pain from him. Carefully, Elladan touched his twin’s mind and found a wall tightly wrapped around Elrohir’s emotions.

“I’ve hurt you, brother,” Elladan said very softly.

Elrohir stirred, probably sensing Elladan’s inner turmoil, but he was too exhausted to wake up. Elladan simply allowed a warm and soothing feeling to reach his twin’s mind, and Elrohir quieted down. Elladan would always love Elohir, but he could not withstand the thought of hurting him.

I have to leave…

Elladan stood, and quietly gathered his clothes, walking outside of his room to the common area between their sleeping quarters. He shared sleeping quarters with Glorfindel too, but since Celebrķan left, Elladan had come back to sleep in his old quarters.

I am hurting Glorfindel too.

Sighing softly, Elladan got dressed and wrote a long letter to Elrohir. He felt bad for leaving without saying good-bye, but there was no other way to do it. Elrohir would feel hurt, but that was better than being forced to hide his own pain because Elladan was not able to deal with his own.

Elladan moved quietly along the dark corridors, pushing away the pain. He could feel his heart breaking at leaving Glorfindel too, and for a moment he stopped waling and almost headed to his lover’s quarters to find the comfort he needed. He started walking again. He could not be selfish. Glorfindel loved him, but what right did Elladan have to impose his tormented thoughts on his beautiful lover.

Elrond had told Elladan that this despair he felt would pass, that he needed to give his spirit time to heal, that he was no burden at all, that they all loved and cherished him. Elladan had never been patient enough to wait for things to get better.

He stood in the courtyard, and looked up at the stars. They were so much like cold lights. Unlike Elrohir, who loved the starts, Elladan loved the sun and the feeling of its warmth on his skin. Now, even the sun had lost its healing power. Everything around Elladan looked gray, as if Celebrķan had taken the colors with her when she left Imladris.

He still remembered their last conversation, when she took him into her arms and gently explained why she needed to leave. She spoke of her inability to find joy in the small things, of her pain at being unable to be the mother they needed. She asked him to be good to Elrond, to understand the burden he had taken when he accepted Vilya, to stop blaming himself for what happened.

You are my dearest son, the first I held in my arms, and I am proud of you. There are times when we cannot protect the ones we love, even if we think we could have done more. Do not let this darken your days, my beloved child. We will see each other again, in this world or another. I am taking you in my heart.

Tears rolled down Elladan’s face, and his resolve to leave weakened. He had promised his mother to stay in the vale, with his family. He had promised her to protect Elrohir and Arwen…

Yet I am hurting Elrohir, and Arwen doesn’t really need me…

Elladan continued his way to the stables. He understood now why Celebrķan left. She was no longer part of this world, and she needed healing to stay in it. It was different for him. This was his world, even if he’d already decided to travel West with Glorfindel and Elrohir when the time came. Arwen would make her choice, and Elladan hoped that she would come with them along with their grandparents.

I need to heal, to stay away from the vale for a while. I need to heal so I can be of help. I will come back brother. I will come back to you, Laurė. Father, forgive me…

He sat under a tree and finished the two letters he was going to leave with the stable boy, one for Glorfindel and the other for his father. He would leave, but he would come back when he was ready. He needed to find himself again, and to heal.

An hour later, Elladan was climbing the Hithaeglir.

“We will be back, Elgaer,” he promised his horse. “We will return home one day.”

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